Wednesday, October 18The Voice of London

Smoking Areas: The Point of no Return

 The smoking area is an enchanted portal that leads to the quest of discovery, and sometimes it’s the people along the way that make it.

Reporter: Larry Gliddon | Sub-editor: Emily Fortune

Sometimes the best part of the night happens in the smoking area, and sometimes you spend the whole night in the smoking area. Events are always from one extreme to another – one minute you’re witnessing a fist fight, blink, and you’re suddenly coming up after taking a green Adidas pill.

“Have you got a lighter, mate”

There’s so many “Have you got a lighter”s knocking about, almost always smoking menthol cigarettes. But it’s usually the Rothmans or Chesterfield smokers who hand one over, it’s like a scene from Romeo and Juliet. Beware of “Have you got a cigarette, mate”, which is “Have you got a lighter, mate”s best friend. Who’s willing to give up their Marlboro Gold to this fuckface who doesn’t even smoke? The best thing to do in this situation is get your mate who smokes rollies to give them the materials to roll their own. It does backfire sometimes, as you get asked to actually roll it for them. At this point you punch them in the face (don’t actually punch them in the face).

“Are you selling any MDMA?”

For a 5ft Asian girl, I actually get this question a lot – I don’t know what it is. These people tend to share a Mayfair superking between five of them. “How much MDMA can I buy for 15 quid?”, they’ll say, and you will hear someone shout “I can give you 100 percent purity! 40 pound!” from the other side of the smoking area. Yeah, sure it is, mate. Sure it is.

“I’m having a terrible time!”

It’s always a girl, probably on her own or with a mate with their head between their legs, crumpled in the corner crying about something that’s definitely really important, probably because her Camel Blue cigarette has gone out and she can’t find her lighter, maybe or she’s dropped her iPhone 6 that her mum got for her for tidying her room. Oh dear, now she’s gone and bloody spilled her last drop of her vodka and lemonade. “I’m having a terrible time!” makes you wonder, not only what is she crying about, but how the fuck did she managed to get her drink outside?

“Are you having a good time?!”

Usually a guy pinged off his face after taking too many smarties, too fucked to actually smoke anything, but he’ll be ripping his water bottle up whilst jumping up and down on a table. Every single time you go to the smoking area, he’s always there, 99% of the time still in the same spot. He hasn’t spotted “I’m having a terrible time!” yet, but maybe something beautiful can come out of this.

“What are you on?!”

They pull out a cigarette from their pocket, not a box, because they’ve pinched two straights from their mum – My best guess is Players. But they’ll evolve into “Have you got a cigarette, mate”. And they’re all up in your face, jumping up and down excitedly, “What are you on? Have you taken a pill, a line, what? what is it?!!!” I’m high on life, you dickhead. Go and enjoy your night.

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