Wednesday, December 13The Voice of London

It’s Fifty Shades Baby Day! Here’s 97 Thoughts About The Film

It’s been nine months to the day since Fifty Shades of Grey hit UK cinemas. Chances are, if you were conceived in an Odeon car park, you’ll be born in the next couple of weeks. Congrats!

Words: Lauren Burgess, Subeditor: Jason John

Unfortunately, I’d never seen Fifty Shades. So, to honour this magnificent event, I decided to sit down, watch the film, and share all my thoughts as I go. And now you get to read it, which is probably better than watching the film, you lucky devil.

  1. Moody clouds, skyscrapers and creepily organised ties. Literally so much grey. Are we 100% sure this isn’t London?
  2. Is running at full speed with your hood up actually safe? It would be so great if this started with him smashing into someone.

    Seattle or Peckham? Source: Tumblr
  3. Danny Elfman did the score for this?! Why? You’re better than this Danny…
  4. She literally fell head first into the room. I have actually done this (for anyone saying this doesn’t really happen) into a lecture hall. It is absolutely mortifying. For someone who’s supposedly shy and clumsy and socially awkward she sure brushes it off like it was nothing. Kudos to your shamelessness, Ana.
  5. Ana blurts out, “Are you gay?” and acts like she literally cannot believe that it just came out of her mouth. She consults her notes for proof this actually happened. I know this whole interview thing was supposed to be a last minute change but Christ, did you not even glance at the questions before leaving? You spent long enough fiddling with your hair in the mirror. More reading, less fiddling.

    Wait, what? Where am I? Source: Tumblr
  6. Christian tells Ana that there’s a great internship program at his company when Ana says that she’s “just focusing on getting through finals” rather than thinking about a job. She brushes it off by saying she doesn’t think she’d fit in. WTF, you’re an english literature student. ENGLISH LITERATURE. Why would you immediately dismiss that? Too busy filling out applications for Starbucks?
  7. KATE TAKES ANA’S SANDWICH. The whole thing. Who needs enemies with friends like Kate?
  8. They made their own pretend search engine for the film. Still more realistic than Twilight using Yahoo!.
  9. Blowjob foreshadowing.

    Look, it’s a Grey pencil. But really, it’s Grey diiick. Source: Tumblr
  10. Ana’s flip phone. She keeps answering calls from 2005 but she just won’t give it back.
  11. Christian is genuinely shopping for serial killer supplies.
  12. Haha, Ana: “You’re the complete serial killer.” Oh Ana, if only you knew.
  13. Ana’s weird colleague getting all grabby at the checkout. Is this the first time she’s served a man? Is this an Amish town? Why is he so afraid of Christian? *hardware store assistant senses tingling*

    Oh God no. Source: Tumblr
  14. Ana has some sort of in built dick magnet and is completely oblivious to it.
  15. Christian just pointed out her dick magnet. She’s astounded and looks visibly appalled to have someone suggest she might have a boyfriend.
  16. Oh my god, Ana has the weirdest cat-like response to human touch. Nnnghhh *rub*
  17. Christian has this will they/won’t they thing down to a finely honed art at supersonic speed.
  18. Ana is wearing a graphic tee and what looks like hiking boots to a nightclub. Criminal.
  19. Ana is drunk dialling on her flip-phone and just put a Batman voice on to take the piss out of Christians weird behaviour. “Let’s have coffee, NO ANA WE CAN’T HAVE COFFEE” Haaa. Maybe you’re not so shit Ana.

    Source: Tumblr
  20. He’s coming to get her? Sorry, who are you? She’s a drunk 21 year old. Bugger off, you creep.
  21. Wow, Jose just went from caring friend to potential rapist in 30 seconds. Is that a record?
  22. Ana just woke up in a hotel room to orange juice and ibuprofen. That’s nice and all, but it doesn’t really detract from the fact that he essentially kidnapped a passed-out Ana, stripped her and then slept beside her comatose body. All while she breathed the stench of tequila and vomit into the room. Who did this situation benefit exactly? There are no winners.

    Maybe he actually brushed her teeth while she was passed out. Is that worse? It’s definitely worse Source: Tumblr
  23. “If you were mine you wouldn’t sit down for a week.” “What?” Yes, that’s a good response. Another one would be hauling ass from this living nightmare.
  24. He just bit the fucking toast he was trying to make her eat. What is it with people taking her food? Why do we need this orgy of evidence that Ana is a walking doormat?
  25. She just did the closed-eyes cat rubbing thing again. See a therapist. Or a masseuse. Or spend an entire afternoon masturbating. Ana needs some kind of help, we know that much.
  26. “Fuck the paperwork.” So many office romances must have started with that line.

    Still a better love story than Fifty Shades Source: Tumblr
  27. Ooh, helicopter.
  28. Bondage foreshadowing.
  29. “No escape now.” *cries*
  30. Christian’s apartment is gorgeous. And very monochrome. I’m sensing a theme…
  31. Ana has probably spent all of maybe 3 hours alone (and conscious, let’s not forget that she was unconscious with him for longer than she was awake) with this guy and just came out with, “Are you gonna make love to me now?” This, from a supposedly intelligent virgin to a man she just met.
  32. LMAO WTF. “I don’t make love. I fuck, hard.”
  33. “My playroom.” “What, like, Xbox and stuff?” Brilliant. Yes Ana. Xbox… and stuff.

    Quite the collection. Source: Tumblr
  34. I’m not sure if the reason Ana didn’t immediately laugh out of horrified nervousness is that she was paralysed with fear or she just really wanted to have a good rummage around before she bolted. *strokes* “It’s called a flogger.” K.

    On today’s episode of ‘Would You Rather’ Source: Tumblr
  35. Part-time living together. With your own room. I guess this could become a trend?
  36. Ana just revealed her virginity. Her SUPER virginity. Christian: “Where have you been?” Like she could only be a virgin if she was brought up in a convent in the mountains.
  37. He’s “rectifying the situation.” “I’m a situation?” Yes Ana, you are a problem that must be fixed.
  38. She’s practically orgasming from having her legs kissed. Even porn stars don’t overact this much.
  39. Where is the blood? Where is the awkward “er, that doesn’t feel right” moment and the grimace? Either Christian hasn’t got much going on down there or Ana was fibbing about the whole virgin thing.
  40. Ruh-roh, looks like Christian just made love. What happened to the hard fucking I was promised?
  41. HE JUST TOOK HER COFFEE AWAY FROM HER. This food and drink stealing thing has to stop. It’s upsetting me.
  42. That bath is huge. I want that bath.

    Edited for nip censorship. You're welcome Source: Tumblr
    Edited for nip censorship. You’re welcome Source: Tumblr
  43. Trying to extort people when you’re giving them oral sex is just wrong on so many levels. Stop using sex as a weapon Christian, you dick.
  44. Ana just made a decision. All by herself. She wants to go home. *slow clap*
  45. What? He just drove her to the forest and made her get out for a walk. So much for your decision Ana, I’m taking back my slow clap.
  46. Sweet. Free laptop.
  47. Kate sensed a disturbance in the force. She knows just from the look of Ana that she has been deflowered. (This is what I’m getting from, “you look different”)
  48. Ana has opened the laptop and has immediately been greeted with an email from Christian. She replies and he sends one back. Like instantaneously. He just drove her all the way back from Seattle. Is he emailing from the car while driving? Does he have voice activated email? Is he just creepily sitting in front of her apartment building whilst he emails? Did Kate have to walk past him? So many unanswered questions.

    592 new emails from a speeding car. Be afraid Source:
    592 new emails from a speeding car. Be afraid.
  49. This contract. So many bizarre requirements. She has a “prescribed list of foods”. I don’t understand the obsession with what she eats.
  50. Ana makes a joke about her “research” into the world of BDSM being productive. “It was nice knowing you” she signs off her email with a snort of laughter and a shrug. The music immediately goes all dark and sombre and Christian’s face has dropped. This man cannot take a joke, why waste your best one Ana? I know that’s probably your best one. You have the comedic prowess of a potato.
  51. He’s in her apartment. How? Why? I’m scared.
  52. He’s “punishing” her for her joke. Don’t you know Ana? Men don’t like funny women!
  53. He just got all man-pissy about her touching him and then buggered off when she said she still needs time to think about the contract. This is such a weird manipulative relationship.
  54. Haha she just pushed him off when he tried to put his arm round her. “Business meeting.”
  55. Why is the room so dark? Can they even read in this light?
  56. “Find anal fisting -” *Christian dares to dream* “Strike it out” *crushed*
  57. “Vaginal fisting too, strike it out.” “Are you sure?” :’( “Yuuup.”
  58. “What are buttplugs?” Really, though? Hasn’t she spent the last couple of weeks researching all this? That never came up? What was she searching for?
  59. “You’re flushed.” The room is bathed in red light. How the fuck can you tell?

    REDRUM, REDRUUUM Source: Tumblr
  60. This is so messed up. She’s just told him she’d like to leave, and he’s explaining to her why her body language proves that she actually wants to get boned instead of leaving. Your mind is telling you no, but YO BODY, YO BODY IS TELLING ME YEEEA.
  61. Go you Ana, you didn’t bone his creepy self.
  62. He’s just seen Ana’s shitty car. His body visibly tensed up with horror.
  63. Now he’s publicly coercing her into signing this contract again. She just wants to pick up her diploma, jesus. He literally held her in place with an aggressive handshake. Aaand she gave in.
  64. They’re drinking champagne from tea cups?
  65. He just threatened her for rolling her eyes.
  66. Sweet, free car.
  67. OMG, he sold her shitty car? She seemed attached to that shitty car.
  68. Okay now he’s actually spanking her for rolling her eyes twice.
  69. I’m not sure if she likes it? She never actually said she did and she didn’t smile so much as bear her teeth and breathe heavily. The plot (word used very loosely) thickens.
  70. Ana is crying down the phone to her mum now. “It’s complicated.” Is it, Ana? Is it really?
  71. Kate: “Looks like you and Grey did some celebrating last night.” This she got from a mostly full champagne bottle and two tea cups. Some celebration.
  72. Ana made another crap joke. You gotta stop with this quick-fire wit, it’s gonna get you sex-murdered.
  73. Is Christian wearing black skinny jeans?
  74. What’s with the ripped cowboy denim in the playroom? Is this a joke? I don’t get it.
  75. “You see? Most of your fear is in your head.” No, it’s in this room.
  76. He just sniffed her dirty pants and then put them in his pocket. You bloody deviant.
  77. Man-bush alert.
  78. Ana’s dancing. Stahp.

    Jesus wept. Source: Tumblr
  79. Is that Rita Ora? Is that all she does? Just a quip in French while the camera pans over the table? Why was she even billed?
  80. Christian looks effing livid that she’s going to visit her mum. What is your problem?!
  81. *throws Ana over his shoulder because she’s not walking fast enough* “You have no right to be mad.” “But I am mad, palm-twitchingly mad.” *spanks* It’s like a warped cartoon. This is so far removed from reality.

    But why though? Source: Tumblr
  82. Ana is trying to get him to open up so she can touch him and be normal together. He’s beyond help Ana, walk away.
  83. This is awkward and dark and sad. “I had a rough start in life.”
  84. He’s talking to Ana about his crack-addict prostitute mother while she sleeps. Maybe I actually feel kind of sorry for him now?… nehhh.
  85. Ana’s upset because he’s going to see the woman that sexually abused him while he was a teenage boy. This is totally valid. Why is he so dismissive of her feelings?
  86. Oh god he’s just turned up in Savannah, Georgia where she’s staying with her mum. He even tracked down the bar where they were having cocktails. How? Surely that flip-phone can’t be trackable? Also, terrifyingly stalky.

    #pray4ana Source: Tumblr
  87. Ana is going for a ride in his glider-thing now. She looks like a child having her special day from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

    ERMAHGERRD, GLERDERR Source: Tumblr
  88. She’s finally stopped doing that contact-starved cat thing. It’s a miracle.
  89. Slow-motion flogging. See, it’s slow motion, so now it’s ~sensual~.
  90. Wow, Ana finally asked the million dollar question. WHY do you want to hurt women? “Why do you need to?” “Because it’s the way I am. Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up.”
  91. What? She just asked for him to show her how bad it can get so she “can understand.” She really needs to be beaten to understand that getting beaten fucking sucks?
  92. This is actually quite difficult to watch. Him getting all breathy while she cries as he beats her with a belt. I’m uncomfortable.
  93. Ana apparently shares my sentiment. “Is this what you want? You wanna see me like this? – Does this give you pleasure? Don’t you dare come near me.”
  94. Christian is just too aroused to process the moment. I’m pretty sure he stopped to bash one out before he came to apologise.
  95. Ana is telling him he’ll never do that to her again. I hope this is because she’s going to leave and never come back.
  96. She’s in love with him? But… why? I mean I get that when the sex was good it was great, but sex does not a great love make.
  97. It just ended. Really suddenly. I’ll never know how much Christian’s personal assistant got for her shitty car. “Ana-” “CHRISTIAN” *SOB* *screen to black*

Final thoughts – the acting was just bad, it really was. This film was pretty much just Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan – there was very little screen time for side characters – and they just didn’t have the talent to make it work. I genuinely don’t know why they bothered hiring Danny Elfman (one of my all time favourite composers) because they just totally squandered his talent with a few plinky-plonky tunes while Christian brooded and Ana got confused about things. I kind of feel like nothing happened? There was a lot of scenes but it was just so repetitive and bland and pointless.

Before anyone starts telling me I don’t “get it” because I’ve only seen the film, I have actually read all three books (and hated them but that’s neither here nor there) and know enough about the plot and characters to have a fully formed opinion. The film is marginally better than the book because we don’t have to listen to Ana’s mind-numbingly asinine inner monologue. Or “inner-goddess” if you will *throws-up in mouth*. The dialogue also got a much needed makeover and it made Ana far less dorky and insufferable. Not one “oh jeez…” or “good golly gosh” in the whole thing. Well played, screenwriter.

Should you watch it? Ehhh… well if you were a fan of the books (and if this is the case how have you even waited so long?!) then yeah, I guess. If not, honestly, don’t bother.

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